ON THE RAPTURE, SEVEN YEARS AFTER

Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. Matthew 7:21-23. Holy Bible (KJV, of course).

Many kind and compassionate Atheists are concerned about a now-available-in-stores video game in which self-proclaimed good believing Christians obtain points by killing off other Christians, and members of lesser breeds who are not as godly as they, as the best Christians seek to be taken up into the sky to a make-believe place, a supernatural realm, to there be joined or reunited with invisible friends, both those forever immortal and those heretofore dead. This shoot thy neighbor game, this harmless representation of Christian caring, this faith filled electronic exemplar of god’s love, is said to be being vended by Wal-Mart and other Fundangelical Friendly Facilities (FFFs) throughout the United States. This writing is to suggest that the reactions of both players and critics may be somewhat overdone, although, in general theological reasoning, those who condemn such a deviate departure from decent demeanor are far more correct and “moral” and have better “values” than do those who would, even in pretend play, practice the sociopathic acts represented by the game and who would transmit such treasonous terroristic teachings unto their children.

Given the progress of secularism in elevating human behavior over the past several centuries, amazed Atheistic condemnation of the approbation of this activity by the godly is quite understandable. Yet we should perhaps have some sympathy for the hurt, outrage, and fear these fundangelical folks must feel, and perhaps we can find some small room for a measure of sympathy for their need to sublimate their despair at having not made the cut. If they are pathetically still awaiting The Rapture, we cannot but feel some pain, as for wounded children, for their hostile striking out, for their projection of passion poignantly presented in this “game,” where they, the clear losers, can be made to feel empowered and still somehow seemingly worthy of some sort of salvation.

At the stroke of midnight, December 31^st, 2006, seven years will have passed since The Rapture. Yeah, I know some readers are now thinking that this is only six years. But figure it out. When a kid becomes “One Year Old,” said child has lived one year and is starting the second year of life. At child’s seventh birthday, child has then lived seven years and is beginning to live the eighth year of life. This is, of course, why many were mistaken in thinking the new millennium began at the beginning of the year “2000,” when it actually began at the beginning of “2001.” They were applying the rule for birthdays. But dates for years don’t work like birthdays. Let us say a babe is born in the year “One,” as some say someone of some importance was. The whole year of the child’s birth would be the year “One.” And at the end of that year, the child would be “one year old,” but it would also be the beginning of the year “Two.” Thus, the second millennium was not over until the end of the year “2000,” when 2000 years had been completed. But this did not prevent The Rapture from coming as foretold that terrible day seven years ago! And nothing will change that fact. No matter how many video games are vended with the theme of the joy of killing others on one’s way to being taken up into the skies to be with the lord and to enjoy the Wedding Feast of the Lamb. And now, after those seven years, we might pause and reflect on how we are doing. More on point for this rant, how the godly unsaved, the blessed condemned, are doing.

Seven (7) years is, after all, a somewhat magical number in their delusional system, a number recurring throughout their holy writings and prophetic texts, works viewed by them as future history. And seven years is a fairly long time. A person can go through college and Law School in seven years. Seven years is the traditional time after which a missing person is presumed dead. Seven is a magical holy number. It is the trinity plus the four gospels. It is the most perfect of numbers. And it has been that long since The Rapture.

All good and literate persons now know full well what happened. Even little children have read and have been taught that which hath been writ in, “ON THE TRANSUBSTANTIATION OF THE WORLD: THE REVELATION TO EDWIN.” This seminal document for our age may be found in electronic form here: http://www.edwinkagin.com/columns/transubstantiation.htm. It can also be found included in the banned book, Baubles of Blasphemy, created by your narrator. A few copies from the first printing of this classic may still be available. Check www.edwinkagin.com for information on this and other ultimate realities.

But I digress. The point is that The Rapture has happened, is gone, done, and over. If you are still here, you missed it. You had your chance. You will not be raptured, though you may yet still be ruptured. No one will ever be saved again. End of story. Get used to it.

Most readers who are of age remember that day seven years ago well, even if they were unaware of the happening of The Rapture. It was called “Y2K” (meaning “Year 2000”—for those doing their dissertations on this era), and people were getting ready for every computer on Earth to crash, and for banks, and therefore civilization as we have come to know it, to fail, and for marauding bands of brigands from here or wherever to try to invade their homes to get their stuff, so they hid their gold coins, laid in provisions, and locked their doors to await the end of the world, surrounded by survival equipment and weapons.

And nothing happened. Many credited it to the intervention of a god, totally ignoring all of the efforts of many computer geeks who had worked hard the entire previous year to fix the problems in the nation’s computers that would cause them to do dog knows what when they hit the next hour after midnight on December 31, 1999, in that the year had been expressed in computer-speak in only double digits, like “98,” “99,” etc. After all, who could have predicted at the dawn of the computer age that a new thousand year period would one day come—sorta like being in college in the ‘60s’ (see how it works—doesn’t tell you if it is 1760s or 1960s does it?) and reading George Orwell’s “1984,” and thinking it was an impossibly long time away. But 1984 came, and is still with us, and 2000 came, and it was not really special in any way at all. After all, dates on the calendar don’t really mean anything more than does the line on a map between Kentucky and Tennessee. They are not real things. There are not really lines on the ground between states or nations. Such things only mean what people agree that they mean.

After Y2K, clever shoppers could get great bargains on unused generators, still in their boxes, and on such delicacies as mung beans. Some frightened folks who bravely stayed in bomb shelters may still be there.

The simple truth is that we are all doomed pennies on the track.

Moral persons who incorrectly, but nevertheless sincerely, believe that The Rapture is yet to come should, in consistent good faith, insist that airplanes in flight, hospital rooms doing surgeries, and other highly intensive life preserving industries be required by law to hire Atheist pilots, operating room staffs, etc., thus insuring that persons keeping their charges alive by narrow behavioral decisions do not abandon them when such saved professionals are chosen to go frolic in the phantasmagorical fields of divine dispensations. Those in the air or under the knife, although left behind, should not be left alone. But this is not really necessary, as no rapturing is in their, or anyone’s, future, for the reasons heretofore revealed. In any case, it might be nice if they decently suggested making some provisions for those of us they think will in fact be “left behind.” Maybe their failure to do so shows just why they didn’t make the Jesus Team.

To summarize, at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve, seven years ago, all persons ever to be raptured off to Heaven went as had been foretold, and as reported in the revelation to Edwin above referenced. This is a fact beyond dispute. It is simply not open to further discussion. The Rapture is now, and has been for the past seven years, part of our human history. People still awaiting the coming of The Rapture are pathetically deluded, or criminally fraudulent, in waiting for it or in trying to get money and converts for causes that no longer have any meaning. The almighty power is through with the dregs that were left behind. The only thing remaining of theological significance is the final culmination of all things, the end of the world, in which all of us are….. Never mind. It’s too awful, and this is a family friendly publication.

As to the game, and its electronic exegesis, that provided the initial excuse for this blasphemy, and the impetus of the exegetes to indulge in such diversions, one can only ironically wonder, “What would Jesus do?”

Anyhow, don’t take life too seriously. You won’t get out of it alive anyway.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Edwin, by dog

December 30, 2006