ON EASTER

The things you are liable to read in the Bible, they ain't necessarily so. Porgy and Bess

Easter is the High Holy Day of the Christian religion. In its many manifestations, Easter celebrates the myth of the reanimation from death of the god Jesus, aka the Christ. Like its womb mate Christmas, Easter is a marvelous blend of Christian and non-Christian nonsense. The Christian side is represented by "Handel’s Messiah" and hot cross buns (a seasonal pastry with a sugar cross on it) and the non-Christian nonsense side by "In Your Easter Bonnet..." and hunts for Easter Eggs (dyed boiled eggs in the shell--laid, young minds are taught to believe, by rabbits. Some hold the rabbits don’t lay the eggs, only deliver them. What do you think?).

To understand the phenomena of Easter, one must understand the Christian "Gospels." These four small propagandist tracts, written long after the supernatural fact, by unknown authors who did not know Jesus, contain the only known evidence for the existence of Jesus. Believers will argue other historic proofs, but these are provable forgeries added centuries later by pious priests who copied or translated Jewish, Roman and Greek texts. If the ancient writers had deliberately omitted Jesus merely because they had never heard of him, this error was often fixed for later Christian editions. The only evidence for Easter beliefs comes from the gospels.

Here's a neat bible study exercise for non believers. It will help you learn something of the Christian belief system and will prove useful in the American Religious Civil War when believers try to force you to play in their sandbox. Read all four gospels and, including every fact contained within them, write a concise, noncontradictory chronology of what happened between the time Jesus was crucified on a stake (the Greek word translates "stake" not "cross"--tell that to your preacher and watch him ring them bells) and the moment he went up to Heaven. Then you will know what Christians believe. To make the challenge more exciting, be sure to include facts, for the same time frame, from "The Acts of the Apostles" and from the letters of Paul. Paul really got Christianity going. He claimed to have seen Jesus after Jesus had gone to Heaven. Lots of people believed him. Lots of people believed Joseph Smith too. Joseph Smith wrote "The Book of Mormon" and claimed an angel helped him translate buried gold plates the angel later reburied. At least Paul had honest delusions.

The reason the death of Jesus is of importance to Christians is because if they believe Jesus died for their sins they get to live forever with him when they die. Because Jesus survived death, believers will too. Somehow Jesus’ "sacrifice" doesn't seem like such a big deal, being a god and all, and getting to come alive again after being dead only one day and two nights. Many people have died for others and have stayed dead. There should be no shortage of volunteers willing to die to save everyone forever and be worshipped as a god if they could come alive again after being dead between Friday evening and Sunday morning.

Once you finish the bible stories about Jesus, you may well wonder how anyone could believe this stuff, and you should understand why the events were omitted from every other history of that time. When Jesus died on the stake, the bible reports that dead people came out of their graves (whether decomposed or not isn't revealed), walked around the city and were recognized by many. This should have provoked some interest by the scandal sheets of the day, but no other reference is found of it. We might wonder if the risen dead sued to get their property back from their useless heirs.

You will note from your Easter biblical studies that the primary witness to the resurrection of the Christ was one Mary Magdalene, a woman thought to be a prostitute who had been possessed by seven demons, i.e., she was nuts. Wouldn't it have been nice if the risen savior of the world had appeared in all his glory to the Roman Senate where literate rational humanists could have recorded an accurate account of this miracle? Why have your immortal soul hang in the balance on less than credible evidence? Should one accept that laws of nature have been broken and that a dead body has come alive again on the word of a deranged hooker? Would a just, rational, compassionate god condemn one to eternal torment for doubting such evidence? Clearly the Senate, or even a meeting of the Aqueduct Committee, would have been a better place to break the good news of salvation.

But we are not dealing with a rational god or even decent moral behavior in the Easter story. The god the myth says was the father of Jesus believed in child sacrifice. Previously content with blood drained from the slashed throats of sheep, goats and such, god needed more gore to save everyone. He wanted his own kid killed as a blood sacrifice for the sins of the world. This is what little children (kids) are taught in Sunday School (that's where Christians violate the Fourth Commandment by worshipping on the first day of the week instead of the seventh as god ordered--no wonder we are in such trouble). But if child murder for the sins of others isn't bad enough, consider this. Christians celebrate the death and rebirth of the god Jesus in a grotesque cannibalistic ritual of (symbolically if Protestant; for real if Roman Catholic) eating his flesh and drinking his blood! This bizarre custom is known as "Holy Communion"--dare we call it "swallow the leader?"

If Jesus rose from the dead, and if he went to Heaven, and if Heaven is outside the known universe, and if the laws of nature invented by god apply to god, then Jesus could not travel faster than the speed of light. If he left for Heaven two thousand years ago, he isn't there yet, and won’t be there for some time. Therefore, we really need not concern ourselves at this point about his return to earth. Presumably he will return sometime after he gets there.

So now you know about Easter. You will probably be a happier and better adjusted human being if you stick to the Easter Parade and pass on the eating of human flesh and blood. And please remember that this disgusting rite is practiced in buildings owned by Christian groups who do not have to pay taxes on their property or income.

And the next time some un-American lunatics want to have forced Christian prayer in public schools, tell them you are a spiritual vegetarian. Happy Easter.

Edwin Kagin

(Permission is given for non-profit reproduction. If you make money on it, I want some of it. Edwin)

JESUS CHRIST HAS RETURNED

April 01, 2007. Independence, Missouri, U.S.A,

Jesus Christ has returned to Earth!

The Son of God, the Messiah, the Savior of the World, the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the Great I Am, has returned to our suffering world as He promised to do quickly over 2,000 years ago.

In God’s stunning surprise move, this greatest event in the history of the modern world occurred just after Midnight on Sunday, April 1^st, 2007. The Christ returned to a sacred spot in Independence, Missouri, U.S.A., as correctly predicted by the Mormon leader Joseph Smith. Believers expecting His return to occur on Temple Mount in Jerusalem were shocked, but red heifers were much relieved.

Religious leaders worldwide were taken completely by surprise, even though the sacred writings had said no one knew the date or the hour of the divine reappearance. But every knee was bowed and every tongue confessed that the Lord Jesus had come. Those few, in Independence, Missouri and elsewhere, who denied the obvious, the “Second Coming Deniers,” were classed as persons so caught up in sin that they could not see truth made manifest before them.

The timing, while unpredicted, does fit a pattern.

The Rapture occurred just over seven years ago. For a full report, see:

http://www.edwinkagin.com/columns/transubstantiation.htm .

It is uncertain just what will happen next. God, being God, is fully capable of changing His mind, and then stating that He did not change His mind, and that we, who are but mortals, did not understand Him the first time. And He is of course right. Whatever He says is right. Maybe we are not all condemned as we were told after The Rapture of 2000 C.E. Maybe we just misunderstood.

Those who have long asked, “What Would Jesus Do” are rapidly finding out.

The Messiah has ordered all churches, of whatever persuasion or denomination, to immediately liquidate their assets, ordering them, as he had the first time around, to “sell all that you have and give to the poor.” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, both reorganized and un-reorganized, has begun to comply, as have Protestant and other denominations. The Roman Catholic Church has issued directives that all of its worldwide holdings are to be given to the poor, after satisfying judgments for damages rendered against them for their priests abusing children.

The Pope in Rome has abandoned his golden throne and offered it to the Christ, who simply said, “Sell it, and all that you have, and give to the poor.” Worldwide, gold is being removed from tabernacles, temples, and mosques, and bank accounts are being emptied to provide food and housing for the poor, as the divine directive becomes realized.

Church property worldwide is being liquidated. It appears that all poverty will be abolished virtually overnight.

Ministers preparing to preach Palm Sunday sermons, celebrating the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem on his previous visit, quickly changed their messages to proclaim the good news of his entry into Independence.

Everywhere, the strains of “Handel’s Messiah” are heard in the streets.

All war on Earth has ceased.

American Atheists has disbanded and cancelled their Easter Convention.

Thoughtful people are wondering just how it is possible to know the truth.

But the truth will set us free.

Details on the nightly news, immediately following the latest on the Anna Nicole story.

by Edwin Kagin, Special Reporter, April 1, 2007.

All Rights Reserved. Permission to Reproduce is Granted.